Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
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