The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Everything about him screamed your future.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
