im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
