You smell like a Billy Joel song
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
