What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Randomize
