Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
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I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
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There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
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