I forgot how hot balto sounded
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
