then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
We had sex on a dog bed..
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
