I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
