my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
