I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Randomize
