i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
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