i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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