READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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