Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
Randomize
