They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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