never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Randomize
