All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
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