I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Randomize
