gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Guys are so much hotter at OU. Come my mating season, I am flying south like the geese in the wintertime.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
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