a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
