fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
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