At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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