Tell her she can't have a vagina
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Randomize
