You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
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