highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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