I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
