He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
