I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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