my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
