He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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