so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
