I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
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