this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize