just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
