just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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