talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
I am full of burrito and curiosity
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
