grinding to god bless the USA? really?
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.