I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.