I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
