I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
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