Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Are my feet made of real feet?
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Randomize
