i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
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