wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
