The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
