how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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