ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I think a kid would responsible me up
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Randomize
