she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Randomize
