I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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