You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
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