I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Randomize
