okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
