Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
