I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
