Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
