Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
