John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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