Who wears a wallet chain?!
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
