you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
