today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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