Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Your mouth is God's brothel.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
